The Church, The Affair, The Abusive Lover

I am committed to the church, in as much as s/he is a worshiping community of believers. I will not to slag her off, and I will try to be sure that my critique of her is constructive. As much as is possible I will try to maintain those commitments within this post.

http://jfreeman.blogspot.com/2005/06/affair.html sums up beautifully and poignantly how it can feel for a glb christian to have a relationship with a church which is theoretically inclusive but practically condemning and not welcoming. She compares it to an affair rather than a marriage. Where the lover, the church is so amazing and loving when s/he is with you, but is not willing to risk other relationships or other people’s approval to publicly affirm or be with you.

Just now to me the church feels more like an abusive lover.

I am committed to her and I love her. When things are going well I feel welcomed, loved and accepted in her arms. I feel free to be myself. I enjoy engaging with her, with the people within her. Having fun, worshiping, celebrating life and love, developing thoughts and ideas.
But all of a sudden, and it happens too often to be occasional(!) she will do something totally unexpected. I feel betrayed, beaten. The vulnerability which I offer to her is abused, my naked unprotected self which I offered to her as an act of giving and ministry is snatched, trampled into the mud, and then scraped off her shoe like a piece of sh*t. But each time, because I am committed to her, and love the people within her, I forgive. I think “it must have been my fault” “she won’t do it again”, and yet, as is the pattern of abusive relationships, the act of betrayal and hurt is repeated sooner or later in one form or another. Once again I find myself picking up the pieces of my heart, grieving for a community which I been ripped from leaving half my heart behind, and wondering how long it will be before I dare to trust the church with my true self again.

In an abusive relationship I would give up. It may take friends to encourage me, gently break to me the truth that I will never change her and must leave now before the hurt is repeated more deeply. I still believe in the church. I believe in her potential for growth, for healing, for acceptance, for relationship… I just don’t know how to learn to trust her again.

Why are there so many fantastic wonderful people tied up in the power structure of the established church who would be able to minister so much better without the hierarchical structures? Why does the church operate a system where power may be held and abused by a few? How can the church preach a message of love and inclusivity and yet be so rejecting?

God is it my place to challenge the church?

Please give me the courage to do so.

Is it my place to accept her?

Please give me the grace to do so.

And teach me to know the difference,

when to challenge,

when to accept

and when to walk away.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

(second Part- The Serenity Prayer- Author Unknown)